Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i need to put some appletini on your dick