I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he was CRYING into my vagina
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We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
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HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?