please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
