Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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