you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms