Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.