He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
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He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian