Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.