If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house