im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
