We got so high we made milksteak
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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