grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
