I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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