Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
