Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
