the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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