Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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