I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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