i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
