My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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