If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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