You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
