So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
