But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize
