Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(443): I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from. http://tfl.nu/qa0c

Replies (11) Good night (5493) Bad night (1106)
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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(305): God, you're like boner-b-gone http://tfl.nu/0pn8

Replies (10) Good night (1186) Bad night (5534)
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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp

Replies (17) Good night (5035) Bad night (2243)
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...

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(484): someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again... http://tfl.nu/xp70

Replies (3) Good night (2189) Bad night (894)
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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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(813): The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth. http://tfl.nu/4ea8

Replies (5) Good night (2039) Bad night (1254)
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(661): View more from California

We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.

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(661): We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila. http://tfl.nu/fos5

Replies (22) Good night (783) Bad night (3680)
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(251): View more from Alabama

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.

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(251): Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now. http://tfl.nu/uhhh

Replies (7) Good night (949) Bad night (2937)
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(770): View more from Georgia

I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.

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(770): I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself. http://tfl.nu/dirk

Replies (1) Good night (1103) Bad night (469)
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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(971): you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying http://tfl.nu/m75c

Replies (8) Good night (1594) Bad night (437)
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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(718): She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet http://tfl.nu/l8w6

Replies (10) Good night (1167) Bad night (901)
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(503): View more from Oregon

At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men

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(503): At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men http://tfl.nu/ey0x

Replies (2) Good night (382) Bad night (276)
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(281): View more from Texas

Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.

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(281): Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever. http://tfl.nu/g095

Replies (2) Good night (1413) Bad night (244)
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(801): View more from Utah

The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.

(801): View more from Utah

The girl neighbor.

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(801): The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis. (801): The girl neighbor. http://tfl.nu/zc5m

Replies (1) Good night (546) Bad night (275)
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(973): View more from New Jersey

Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?

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(973): Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar? http://tfl.nu/k32t

Replies (2) Good night (516) Bad night (216)
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(561): View more from Florida

He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."

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(561): He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating." http://tfl.nu/nn4t

Replies (4) Good night (843) Bad night (260)

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