wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches