I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.