You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
