i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
