he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
