i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
