Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
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He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
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