Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
