she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That accounts for only three of the penises
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
