I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
