I'm going to jail i love you
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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