Will you blow on my dice?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
