Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
