I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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