she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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