Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
