apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
