Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
