even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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