You just made me feel so damn special
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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