I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Randomize
