I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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