don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
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Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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