i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
