He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
