Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
