I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
