I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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