And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
