I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
