I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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