I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Randomize
