I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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