Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
