I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
