Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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