i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
