I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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