Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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