Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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