When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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