Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
