if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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